I am the world’s top dating coach who’s been researching social skills and charm for over ten years. When I discovered Californication’s Hank Moody a few years ago, I realized that Hank is the best fictional on-screen character to study for learning how to be better with women.
Before I go on, I want to stress how imperative it is that you exclude Hank’s alcoholic, drug-addict, and lazy lifestyle when taking into account his qualities. To make a compelling fictional character, he is perfect. To make a compelling real-life example, he is horrendous.
To make this easy, I’ve listed all of the best qualities of Hank Moody that make him good with women. If you follow this to-the-tee, you’ll be on your way to having a dating life exactly like Hank’s—actually better.
1. calm and composed facial expressions
This is what I endearingly refer to clients as Wolf Eyes. Your base facial expression should be focused, intense, yet calm.
2. A Gentleman to women
Hank is never rude or disrespectful to women. He hardly ever “busts” on them. If he teases them, it will be a positive tease. Something that shines a light on their strengths rather than their weaknesses. Men, take note: When first meeting a woman, teasing her for her weaknesses and vulnerabilities is merely a childish way for you to put her down so you might appear better than her. This is an insecurity and most women spot this from a mile away.
He cares about them. He doesn’t fuck them over or dump them on the side of the road.
3. Calm in every situation / Makes light of almost everything / Always having fun
This is his way of staying present in the moment. Hank is a pro at staying in a good mood despite messy situations. He will turn any normal situation into something fun.
4. Openly sexual
A real man does not hide his sexual attraction for the unique aspects of a woman. At the same time, he only expresses this interest after he is genuinely interested in who she is. He doesn’t just sleaze it to any woman. Most men either show no sexual attraction at all, or are a complete sleaze ball about it. Hank Moody does neither. He shows his sexual attraction, but when his real interest warrants it.
5. Loves women. Doesn’t use them. Enjoys them always.
Instead of me explaining this one, I’ll let a female explain Hank Moody’s love for females:
AndieZhang, May 06, 2010
http://www.tv.com/shows/californication/verities-and-balderdash/
So why do women find Hank so irresistible? Fortune and fame? Compared to the rest of the habitants of LA, his little pile of gold and his dirty Porsche can hardly count for much, not even if you throw in his ruggedly handsome looks and his writer’s charm. Here’s what made me realize why Hank will eternally be irresistible to women:
It’s because Hank loves women, he’s not out to conquer territory or increase his score, he simply loves women in a more general sense. That’s why he gave those compliments to Jill. He didn’t need to get laid, […] he only wanted Jill to understand that she is a wonderful, attractive woman. This is almost the kinda advice you’d expect from Sex and the City!
Hank is a woman-lover, not a womanizer. He may express it in unorthodox ways, such as being extremely promiscuous, but he’s never done anything bad to a woman[…], while he’s pulled plenty of wicked stunts to all the other men on the show. Usually he just acts his normal woman-loving but **** self, and the women come flocking to him. Why? Because we women have a radar for men who don’t only want sex, but who care about us and who respect us. Hank is the most obvious specimen of such a kind. Exaggerated of course because we’re on TV, but this is the modern day Casanova, the type of men that all women love to hate but cannot bear to.
“It’s my purgatory, really — dinner, drinks, whatever. Never really all that interested, but I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway. Because it’s true — all women are in one way or another. You know, there’s always something about every damn one of you — there’s a smile, a curve, a secret. You ladies really are the most amazing creatures. My life’s work. But then there’s the morning after, the hangover and the realization that I’m not quite as available as I thought I was the night before. And she’s gone, and I’m haunted by yet another road not taken.”
6. Sticks up for women
7. Jokes deadpan or with a slight smile.
A good comedian knows that telling jokes is about delivery. When Hank is being silly, he usually keeps his face relaxed or adds a slight devilish grin, but hardly ever gets emphatic with his jokes. I refer to this as “Wolf Grin.” Don’t overdo your humor, or it will look as if you are trying to hard. Watch the master below…
8. Never needing from anyone.
In other words, he’s never trying to gain validation, reward, compliments, or recognition from people. He’s completely satisfied sourcing his happiness from having fun with his environment. He knows that validation is an empty, fleeting conquest. But having fun with whatever situation you are in provides an endless well of happiness.
9. Just enjoying where he is.
Any situation Hank is in is the most relaxed, fun situation he could ever be in. This is full presence to the moment. Unless he’s having an episode of crappy times, Hank never is looking to get to the next moment in his life. He’s always relishing what’s going on right now. This is huge. People notice if you are totally immersed and engaged in your environment, or if you have one foot out the door, or in your mind.
10. Amuses himself / says taboo stuff.
The mark of a confident man is one who doesn’t cater to social norms. Hank says what’s on his mind, he’s not manipulating his words so that others will accept him. He doesn’t care about being accepted. He cares about having fun and amusing himself in whatever situation he’s in.
11. Straightforward / not afraid of confrontation or awkward moments.
Again, he says how he feels, this time in the context of confrontation with other men. If a guy is being a douche, or saying something idiotic, Hank isn’t afraid to point it out.
12. Silly, but never out of control. Vibe is always calm and relaxed.
Hank is a pro at mixing a relaxed vibe with a silly vibe. It’s remarkable how he’s able to be expressive and animated, but at the same time not to a point where it is over the top. Jim Carrey goes over the top, and it may be funny, but not attractive. On the other side of the coin, some men are too stoic. They have no silliness to them. Hank rides the wave between chilled out and totally silly.
13. Never putting on a show or trying to impress. No storytelling much.
Whereas most men say things to women to try to get women liking them, Hank says things to women because he loves seeing women smile. He enjoys making them happy. Hank doesn’t need to go into long stories, and if you notice, he hardly ever does.
14. Fully engaged. A good listener.
When a woman speaks to Hank, Hank listens. He may not be the best listener, but he is probably one of the best engagers. An engager is a person who is fully present with a person while interacting with her. Hank is never in his head, nervously trying to decide what to say next to a woman. Instead, he spends his time in the moment, not worrying whether what he is doing or saying is acceptable or valuable. He just lives merely as a vehicle for enjoyment of what’s happening right now.
15. Making sure women are feeling at ease
Same Mrs. Patterson from before. This time, check out Mrs. P communicates her insecurities to Hank. Instead of Hank seeing this as an opportunity to tease her, he instead makes her feel comfortable with her vulnerabilities, enabling her to be more herself around Hank.
a special ending note from anthony recenello
A parent can tell you that being in love means not needing anything in return from the other party. Parents are in love with their children. They do everything for them, and they don’t need anything in return, because just seeing their children happy makes them happy.
This should be similar to a man’s love for women. Their femininity, their beauty, their confidence in their weaknesses. So beautiful. They are God’s gift to men. A real man doesn’t need a shred of validation from them. Not one compliment, not one kiss. That is only for the insecure. Real men are fully in love with the female gender. They are gentlemen towards all women. They compliment them, they show their attraction for them, are never rude or negative towards them, and show that they expect greatness from them, while simultaneously appreciating them just for being who they are. Show that you expect greatness from a woman because being too quickly impressed can be insulting to her. Here’s why:
a. Showing you are impressed and attracted too quickly shows you don’t think she is capable of showing you a real, genuine, valuable side.
b. You are communicating that you want her to like you based on how impressed you are.
I know, I know, there is a confusing line between my readiness to compliment women and my telling you not to show how impressed you are so quickly by them. The difference is not with me–it’s with her. She feels the difference. She feels the difference between when I am complimenting her because I’m just so damn fully appreciative of her (while not asking anything from my compliments), and a needy guy’s supplication through being too quickly impressed by who she is.
Let me put it this way. I compliment her through my love for the fact that she is a woman, and as a man, it is my natural loving and sexual attraction for women as well as my duty to make sure they are feeling good when I am around. However, I never need her to validate me, I don’t need her to like me, and I don’t need her to have sex me. Sex should merely be an expression of the escalated genuine interest you have for each other’s unique selves. Not a means to making yourself feel validated as a man. The difference between “needing sex” and “being sexually attracted” is huge. They are on opposite sides of the spectrum. One side is a man who is appreciation and purposeful, and the other side is a man who is insecure, needy, and selfish.
This concept of complete appreciation is what drives my happiness. When I am focusing on this all of the time, I have no time for insecurities to creep in. What are insecurities? One of them is the need for women to like me and validate me. When I am focused on that insecurity, I can not properly appreciate women, which leads me to not being able to naturally engage with them, which leads them to thinking that I am some creepy guy.
Here is the big rule. We must be so incredibly present and having fun in the moment, so appreciative of all of the women our lives, that we will sacrifice the chance of attracting women while interacting with them. I have to be so immersed in my environment and having fun with them that I will give chance to women not liking me in that state of appreciation. This is the most important part of attraction.
Here is the magical paradox: We must be having fun because of the women in front of us, but also at the sacrifice of getting her as well. She has to know that I am there to fully have fun with her, but have absolutely no need to hook up with her, get her number, get her liking me in any way. That is full-on appreciation.
Many guys think that showing such engagement with women communicates neediness. No. Neediness communicates neediness. Desperation communicates neediness. Full engagement communicates the absence of neediness, because you are focused on appreciation and enjoyment and fun, at the complete sacrifice of the girl wanting you. The sacrifice part is huge. She has to see that you are completely invested in her while not needing her to like you back. She craves that in a man.
Why?
So many men come up to women being a con-artist. They act like they are there for fun and love, but hiding underneath he is secretly trying to gain validation and sex based off of his neediness (and not his attraction for her unique personality and aesthetics).
For now on, I want you to only go into social situations interacting with women because you love them, and not trying to get them to love you. Be the guy that goes in there with 100% fun because of women. The word “because” is important. Often, guys will take this “fun” concept and “at the sacrifice of her liking you” concept and will interact with women, and have fun despite them being there. They will try to play hard to get by saying funny things, teasing them, acting like they are having fun without the woman’s input. This is bad. Girls will see you as a narcissist if you approach it like this. The point is your fun is happening because of all that life has offered you. Women are part of this. If there is a woman in front of you, you are happy and having fun because of her as your gift in life. She must know that your fun is because of her, as well as with her. It must never be in spite of her.
Are you thinking, “But if we are having fun with women at the sacrifice of us possibly getting with her, how do I end up actually getting with her?” That’s the perfect next question. And if you make friends with me, I’ll explain to you how to “put on the moves” while keeping this mindset I explained in this post.